XMen: Devolution
by Paigeriffic
Summary: If there's a cliché I'll write it. If there's a character flaw I'll exploit it. If there's some bizarre joke that doesn't really make sense I'll add it. This chapter: The Bayville Sirens and Avril lavigne! Oh my,
1. Chapter 1!

PROFESSOR X'S STUDY.  
  
The Professor sat at his desk and straightened some papers. A conveniently placed grandfather clock ticked quietly in the corner. The Professor put the papers to one side and stared at the clock. The hour hand ticked into place and it loudly began to chime. His fingers slowly steepled.  
  
Prof X: Exceeeeellent. A ha ha. A ha ha ha. MWAH HA HA HA! H-  
  
Person outside door: Hooooooooooooooooooowl?  
  
The Professor blushes and coughs awkwardly as he unsteeples his hands. At least no one had walked in and caught him this time. He clears his throat.  
  
Prof X: Come in, Logan.   
  
The polished oak door suddenly gains six metal blades... which slice downwards through the wood. They disappear with a 'snikt' and within a few seconds a heavy boot was kicking its way through the weakened wood. A short hairy man soon leaps through the hole in the door frame and lands on the Professor's desk. six shining blades extending themselves from his hands.  
  
Wolverine: Raaaar-owl! Grrrrowwl, Chuck?  
  
Prof X: Yes, thank you, Logan, I'm fine. Now could you please get off my desk. And no claws in the Mansion. I've told you a thousand times.  
  
Wolverine leaps off of the desk and lands on the floor. He slowly retracts his claws and goes to lounge in the chair opposite the Professor.  
  
Prof X: And you know the door handle is a much easier and cheaper way of entering and exiting a room. I've only got so many rich uncles you know.  
  
Wolverine: Woof?  
  
Prof X: Never mind that... Now what can I help you with? Your disturbing past giving you trouble again? Lets go into it in great detail, because its just so interesting. Maybe we can devote a whole episode to you howling and running around in your underwear. And don't forget a liberally placed shots of you in that damn giant test tube pod. Its just so interesting!  
  
Wolverine: Groooowl!  
  
Prof X: Oh don't bitch at me, I'm only the bald millionaire who runs this place. Talking of running things...  
  
He gestures to the window. Outside on one of the big expanses of grass the new recruits were waiting for an instructor. As usual they had dissolved into a power crazed fight, hell bent on destroying each other. A hail of ice followed by three balls of lava broke through the window and landed on the carpet in a steamy mess.  
  
Prof X: Go run their lesson. I've no idea where Storm is.  
  
Wolverine: Rowl!  
  
He splays out his claws and takes a running jump out of the window. The Professor shakes his head and sighs as Wolverine disapears in a cloud of razor sharp glass shards.  
  
Prof X: That was a fifteen story drop... Oh well. Time to call... Uncle Jerry.  
  
THE TRAINING FIELDS.  
  
Jubilee: We're mutants!  
  
Multiple: Kid mutants!  
  
Sunspot: Having fun with our powers!  
  
Wolfsbane: Wacky fun!   
  
Beserker: We're kerazy rebels!  
  
Cannonball: ...  
  
Iceman: Blink and you'll miss us!   
  
Magma rolls her eyes at them all and flicks her hair back, a superior smirk on her face.  
  
Magma: Speak for yourself, I got a whole episode where I saved the day. I own you all.   
  
Iceman: At least I get to hang out with the X-Men more often!   
  
Magma: Thats a good thing? At least I'm best friends with Boom Boom! For no apparent reason at all!  
  
Iceman: That's a good thing? She tried to blow you up on the first day...   
  
Magma: Yeah, that's what you think... FLAME ON!   
  
She clenches her fists and become engulfed in lava. Flames taper out on her fingers and she narrows her eyes at Iceman.  
  
Iceman: I'm on a roll and I haven't got my frost on yet.   
  
Magma: Standing on baked goods isn't anything to be proud of. And I guess what its true what they say about guys in the cold...   
  
Magma looks Iceman up and down lifts her arm in a 'speak to the hand' motion.  
  
Iceman: Menopausal hot flashes at fifteen, I see?   
  
Magma: I'll show you hot flashes...   
  
New recruits: oooOOOooo!  
  
Cannonball: ...   
  
Iceman: Let me get your walker out and then you can show me. Because, you know, intense heat ages you in a horrific way. Ask Alyssa Milano and her "Teen Steam" video...   
  
Magma: And you need a lot of maturing. Lets do the math...   
  
She crouches and presses her splayed fingers onto the grass. Minature eruptions crack the ground and Iceman disapears in a blaze of red hot lava. The new recruits begn to cheer...till Dark Phoenix appears. She lets out a mighty parrot squawk and blasts them with telepathic bolts, quickly followed multiple shots of telekinesis. As they lie sprawled and confused on the floor she gets her flaming bitch on.  
  
Dark Phoenix: SHUT THE HELL UP! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?   
  
Cannonball: ...   
  
Dark Phoenix: Now BOW before your dark queen! For I am the Dark Phoen- squawk!  
  
Wolverine: Grrrrrrrrrrrrowl! Hooooooooooooooowl, Dark Red?  
  
And at that exact minute Wolverine lands on the Dark Phoenix's head. She squawks in outrage and flies off in a flaming ball of fury. Wolverine shrugs and slowly picks his teeth with one of his claws. The new recruits stare at him, uncertain looks on their faces.   
  
Wolverine: *whine* *tongue loll*  
  
Cannonball: ...  
  
Beserker: What he said.  
  
Magma: Wolfsbane, can you translate?  
  
Wolfsbane: I don't know, I can try. Though considering I'm Scottish and sound like a German I might be not be best choice for this...  
  
Her eyes unfocus for a second as thick brown fur begins to cover her skin. Her limbs elongate and digits turn into paws and claws. She pauses the transformation and awkwardly stands next to Wolverine. Feral growls and snarls erupt from her semi lupine mouth.  
  
Wolfsbane: Hoooowl. Roooooorw?  
  
Wolverine: Miaow?  
  
Wolfsbane: He wants to know why Storm isn't here.   
  
Magma: You got all that from "Miaow?" ?  
  
Wolfsbane: Well... some of it was lost in the translation, but yeah, it was basically that.  
  
Multiple: I'm the youngest!  
  
Everyone stares at him for a second and then Raye pats him on the head, causing fifty more Multiples to appear.  
  
Beserker: Oh shush, Jamie, you're too young.  
  
Multiple: I'll show you all!  
  
Wolverine: Hoooooooowl!  
  
Everyone turns to Wolfsbane.  
  
Wolfsbane: He said he wants us to train properly and stop trying to kill each other.   
  
New Recruits: Screw that!  
  
They turn on Wolverine and begin to zap, burn, bite and scratch him. Meanwhile in a darkened room...  
  
Storm: I'm not a snow plough, not a snow plough. I'M NOT A SNOW PLOUGH!  
  
Storm whispers hoarsely to herself as she scrawls on the walls in magic marker. Electricity crackles from her finger tips and the magic marker melts. With a sigh she tosses it into a pile of other melted pens and pulls another one out of the multi-pack she got from Wal*Mart, and starts writing again.  
  
Storm: I'm a weather witch. Witchy witch weathering it up... NOT A SNOW PLOUGH!  
  
End of Chapter One.  
  
* * *  
  
Next time on "X-Men: Devolution" :  
  
Storm: The walls... moving in... crushing meeeeee!  
  
Prof X: Ororo? We're outside... there are no walls.  
  
Storm: But the walls, Charles, the walls!  
  
* * *  
  
Jean: Hnnngh! Professor! I can't... hnnnnngh... hold it!  
  
Prof X: Jean... thats a leaf. Its ok to let it land on the ground. Its what Autumn is for.   
  
* * *  
  
Wolverine: Cluck?  
  
* * *  
  
Prof X: I'm sorry, this has never happened before... it happens to a lot of rich bald men I think...   
  
* * *  
  
Storm: I'm not a snow plough! NOT A SNOW PLOUGH!   
  
* * *  
  
Cannonball: ... 


	2. Um chapter 2?

BIG PATCH OF GRASS OUTSIDE.  
  
Cyclops: Amara! Get over here!  
  
Jubilee: I'm not Amara. I'm freakin' Asian for gods sake.  
  
Amara: I'm Amara.  
  
Cyclops: Oh, I thought you were Dani Moonstar.  
  
Dani: No, I'M Dani.  
  
Cyclops: I thought YOU were X23!  
  
Amanda: I thought I was X23.  
  
X23: No, I am. Look... WOOF!  
  
Amanda: You can't argue with proof like that. I must be Amara then.  
  
Amara: No, you're Amanda Sefton. I'm Amara.  
  
Cyclops: Who am I then?  
  
The clones snarl and turn on Cyclops in a flurry of claws, lava, nightmares and fireworks. Wolverine wanders up and watches.   
  
Wolverine: Cluck?  
  
The clones hiss and launch themselves at Wolverine, giving Scott a chance to run away. As the scene shifts away to the other end of the field we see Jean and the Professor doing some training near some trees.  
  
Charles: No, you've got the gesture all wrong.  
  
Jean: But... Professor!  
  
Charles: No Jean! I am the superior telepath, I will do the teaching!  
  
He takes a deep breath and unsteeples his hands for a second, before moving them upwards, resting one on each temple.  
  
Prof X: Hands... on head... indicating... immense... psychic... pressure... remember... to... take... deep... breaths... adds... to... effect.  
  
Jean: I did that!  
  
Prof X: No you didn't. I'm better than you, Jean, I know more things about being a telepath.  
  
Jean: What's that got to do with anything?  
  
Prof X: My mind is stronger! Thats what!  
  
Jean: But can your mind do this?  
  
She gestures at his wheelchair and sends it spinning six feet into the air. The Professor sighs and shakes his head.  
  
Prof X: You win this round, Jean.  
  
Jean: You're damn right! Now can we get back to training?  
  
Jean gently puts the Professor back on the ground and waits for instruction.  
  
Prof X: Oh, um. Go and telekinesis some shit around.  
  
Jean: Ok!  
  
She levitates herself and begins waving her hands at the Professor. His wheelchair spins up and around, upside down and back to front. Meanwhile, in Scott's bedroom...  
  
Scott: Dude!  
  
Alex: Bro!  
  
Scott: Bro! Man!  
  
Alex: Dude! Surfing!  
  
Scott: Man! Bro! Surfing?  
  
Alex: Bro! Suuuuurfing!  
  
Scott: Oh Bro! Dude! Mansion!  
  
Alex: Nah, suuuurfing, bro!  
  
Scott: Dude! X-Men!  
  
Alex: Bro! No! Suuuuuurfing!  
  
Scott: Woe, Bro!  
  
Alex: Bye Bro! Dude! Bro!  
  
Scott: Dude!  
  
Scott hangs up the phone and wonders why Alex won't join the X-Men. With a woeful sigh he wanders out of his room and down the hallway. He passes some New Recruits on the way down.  
  
Cyclops: Hey dudes! Wanna go and mix it up in the danger room? Its what all the cool kids are doing!  
  
Ice Man: Shut up you loser.  
  
Multiple: I'm the youngest! And no!  
  
Ray: I'm gonna fry your ass!  
  
Canonball: ...  
  
Ray screams with beserker rage and zaps Scott through a nearby wall. The New Recruits run off to have some wacky fun with their powers as Scott gets to his feet.  
  
Cyclops: Little... no good... bastards! I'm cool! I'm one of the gang! I'm... not a snow plough?  
  
He brushes the dust off his uniform and looks at the walls. Magic marker was scrawled all over, the words "I'm not a snow plough!" unevenly written. Feeling a little scared Scott backs up towards the hole in the wall. There's a crack and he looks down, panic building inside him.  
  
Cyclops: A... magic marker? And its... melted? Oh no...  
  
Scott feels a crackling on his head and frantically tries to smooth down his static-ed up hair. A dark figure with burning blue eyes crawls from the corner of the room, marker ink staining her hands.  
  
Storm: You're crowding meeee! I need SPACE! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
Cyclops: Storm! No! Noooo-  
  
Storm's eyes blaze even bluer and the room blows up. Lightning, ice and wind swirl around and blow the walls away. Scott is frozen into a block of ice and sent careening through the roof. Sunlight flows in through the holes in the walls and Storm breathes deeply, once again calm. She gathers a gust of wind underneath herself and takes off, flying through the hole in the roof.  
  
Storm: Mmm, clear air, no walls and no one to crowd me. I feel so aliv- ah! AHHHH!  
  
She looks down and sees the clone war at one end of the grounds and Jean and the Professor... training... at the other.  
  
Storm: Too many people! Crushing me! No space! NO SPAAAACE! CAN'T BREATHE!  
  
Clutching her throat and coughing loudly, Storm plummets towards the ground. The Professor see's her and shouts for Jean to catch her.  
  
Prof X: Jean! Ororo is in danger! She's going to crash into the grass! And I can't afford to hire a gardener!  
  
Jean: I'm on it!  
  
Jean flies a few metres into the air and makes pushing motions at Storm. Her fall slows down and Jean brings her to a halt half a metre above the ground.   
  
Prof X: Good work, Jean! We'll make an X-Man of you yet!  
  
Jean: Thanks Professor! Wait a minute... what do you mean-  
  
Storm: AHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Disturbed by Storm's screaming, Jean loses concerntraton and lets Storm drop the half a metre back to earth. She flies a few metres away and stares down at Storm. The Professor tuts disaprovingly and hovers over in his wheelchair.  
  
Prof X: Are you ok, Ororo? You look like you've taken quite a fright.  
  
Storm: The walls... moving in... crushing meeeeee!  
  
Prof X: Ororo? We're outside... there are no walls.  
  
Storm: But the walls, Charles, the walls!  
  
The Professor raises his eyebrows and and backs his wheelchair away.  
  
Prof X: Ororo, snap out of it. We don't have time for this.  
  
Jean: Professor! I need your help! Hnngh!  
  
Prof X: Damn it, Ororo. I have to go help Jean train. Go and get some help or something. Seriously. But don't charge it to the schools account.  
  
Jean: Hnnngh! Professor! I can't... hnnnnngh... hold it!  
  
Prof X: Jean... thats a leaf. Its ok to let it land on the ground. Its what Autumn is for.   
  
He sighs and pulls the tartan blanket tighter around his legs.  
  
Prof X: If I didn't have to pay for these morons I'd be able to afford that wheelchair with central heating. Idiots.  
  
He wheels around, leaving Jean struggling with the leaf, and heads back to the mansion. Storm lies on her back, legs and arms in the air, muttering insanely to herself.  
  
Storm: Walls... NOT A SNOW PLOUGH! Ploughing walls... witch... weather witch not a snow plough NOT A SNOW PLOUGH WITH WALLS!  
  
Jean: Hnnngh!  
  
* * *  
  
Next time on "X-Men: Devolution":  
  
Cyclops: But Jean, baby, honey, sweetie, why can't we... do it?  
  
* * *  
  
Lance: Hey Kitty, I'm gonna rock your world!  
  
Kitty: Like OH MY GOD!  
  
* * *  
  
Prof X: MWAH HA HA H- oh, hello, how long have you been standing there?  
  
a/n There was one thing I added in the last "Next time on..." in Chapter One, but I couldn't find a way to fit it in. Shame on me. 


	3. Chapter 3! Cehelebrate!

ONCE AGAIN WE START WITH THE NEW RECRUITS TRAINING ON THAT PATCH OF GRASS.  
  
Amara: I don't get it Scott.  
  
Cyclops: What now?  
  
Amara: If this is a school... with kids in... why was there a self destruct mechanism built into the mansion?  
  
Cyclops: Because... uh. The Professor. Um.  
  
Amara: And why are there missiles and lasers built into everything?   
  
Cyclops: Because... uh. The Professor. Um.  
  
Amara: You realise that if we're attacked the attacker is usually so powerful the weapons do absolutely nothing?  
  
Cyclops: Because... uh. The Professor. Um.  
  
Amara: And half the time the weapons turn on us.  
  
Cyclops: Because... uh. The Professor. Um.  
  
Amara: Idiot! Ray? You know what to do.  
  
Beserker: I'm gonna fry this turkey!  
  
Ray shouts and levels both hands at Scott. Twin blasts of electricity shoot out and blast Scott towards the mansion. A few seconds later there's a sound of smashing glass and screaming.  
  
Multiple: Yay! I'm the youngest! And Scott's gone!  
  
Sunspot: But what do we do now? There aren't any instructors.  
  
Amara glances at him and gets her flame on. She narrows her eyes and readies a ball of lava in the palm of her hand.  
  
Amara: Like you even have to ask.  
  
Jubilee: Incoming!  
  
Wolfsbane: Hooooooooooooooooowl!  
  
Beserker: I'm gonna fry your asses!  
  
Cannonball: ...  
  
Amara throws the lava at Sunspot as he punches Multiple, who clones himself and falls into Ray, who trips and blasts Wolfsbane, who jumps at Jubilee's throat, who shoots fireworks at Cannonball, who takes off, right the middle of the new recruits, knocking them all over. They lie on the floor, panting, as the scene shifts to Jean's bedroom. A charred and slightly smoking Scott is lying on the floor, his head resting on a shattered wardrobe door. Jean is sitting on her bed, screaming loudly and trying to telekinetically throw stuff at him.  
  
Jean: Ahhhhh, AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Hnnnngh!  
  
Cyclops: I... *bzzzzzt*... ow  
  
A pillow slowly floats off the bed and bumps repeatedly into his back. Jean is grimacing and waving her hands around violently. Scott pulls himself off the floor and staggers over to jean. He sits down and tries to casually lounge on it. He smooths down his still smoking hair and clears his throat.  
  
Cyclops: Jean, sweetie, honey, I've got something to ask you.  
  
Jean: What is it, Scott?  
  
Cyclops: Well... we've been going out for ages. And before that there was all the will we-won't we sexual tension...  
  
Jean: Yes, and?  
  
Cyclops: Well... the tensions still there. And...  
  
Jean: You were wondering when we'd get to release it?  
  
Cyclops! Yes!  
  
Jean: We can't, Scott.  
  
Cyclops: But Jean, baby, honey, sweetie, why can't we... do it?  
  
Just at that moment Kitty walks through the wall, holding a clipboard.   
  
Kitty: Like, could you guys, like, help me with some, like, homework? Like?   
  
Jean: Thats why, visor boy.  
  
Cyclops: Damn you, Kitty!  
  
Kitty: Like oh my god!  
  
She throws the clipboard at Scott as he gets up and walks menacingly towards her. She runs through the wall, screaming, as Scott follows. He watches her disapear and runs after her... and straight into the wall. Jean sighs as he falls unconscious on the floor. Meanwhile in a room down the hall and a flight of stairs Kitty is still running. She arrives in the large hangar where all the X-Vehicles are stored. Kitty slips through the door Scott's red convertable and starts it up. She drives through the hangar door and through the gate, heading to an unknown destination.  
  
Kitty: Oh yeeeeah! Wooo hooo!  
  
As the dust of her departure clears the fountain statue starts to click and then rises up, the angel transformed into a gun-toting killing machine. It's head swivels around, a strange red glow coming from within its eye sockets. After a few seconds it sights the new recruits, still fighting on the lawn and scans them.  
  
Angel statue: Moving target sighted. Destroy without considering it may be one of the many children who live here. DESTROY!  
  
It takes off from the base of the fountain and heads towards them, the rocket boosters powering it forwards. The guns begin to fire and in a blaze of whitelight thescene switches to the Professor's study. He's sitting in front of a big mirror, practicing his evil laugh and hand steepling.  
  
Prof X: MWAH HA HA H- oh, hello, how long have you been standing there?  
  
Pietro: Justgothereman,likeyeah,youpeoplearesoooslow.  
  
Prof X: Quicksilver! What did you just say?  
  
Pietro: Isaid: justgothereman,likeyeah,youpeoplearesoooslow.  
  
Prof X: Again, slower this time.  
  
Pietro: Just. got. here. man, like. yeah, you. people. are. so. slow.  
  
Prof X: Is that it? You came in to tell me that us "people" are so slow?  
  
Pietro sighs and flamboyantly waves his arms around before prancing around the Professor's desk. He stops and puts one hand on his hip before speaking in a deliberately slow manner.  
  
Pietro: I've got a message from Mystique.  
  
Prof X: Mystique. Grrr. Bad lady. But she wears leather quite well.  
  
Pietro: She says; I'M GOING TO KILL YOU X-FOOLS! AND YOU'RE BALD DADDY TOO! Ps, love and kisses to Rogue and Kurt. OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL! RAR!  
  
Prof X: Aww, that was sweet. The Rogue and Kurt bit I mean.  
  
Pietro: Yeah, what-e-va. Buh-bye!  
  
He disapears in a white streaky flash and zips out of the institute, past the angel statue fighting the new recruits, over the gate and straight towards theBrotherhood's boarding house. Scott's convertible is parked halfway through a tree and Kitty is standing in front of it talking to Lance.  
  
Kitty: So I was all like... like oh my god! And Scott was all like you know, like?  
  
Lance: Rock on!  
  
Kitty: Whatever, Lance.  
  
Lance: Hey Kitty, I'm gonna rock your world!  
  
Kitty: Like oh my god!  
  
Lance's eyes roll back in his head till the whites show and he stamps on the ground. A small wave bulges across the grass and sends Kitty flying into the air.Lance runs forwards to catch her... but unfortunately Kitty phases through his outstretched arms and disapears into the ground. Lance throws himself onto the grass and claws at it, screaming loudly.  
  
Lance: Kitty! Come back! YOU ROCK MY SOCKS!  
  
Inside the boarding house Pietro is hiding inside the closet while Toad is hopping around after Wanda.  
  
Toad: C'mon, Wanda, baby, I got the bling bling, fo shizzle, yo!  
  
Wanda: Insect!  
  
She waves her hand at him and he's suddenly surrounded by a strange purplish light. Wanda gestures upwards and sends Toad flying into the ceiling.  
  
Toad: Dayum! Why you trippin' girl? I gots the bling, the ladies like the bling! Dayum! Cuddlebumps!  
  
Wanda: MAGGOT!  
  
She waves her hands again and sends him back up towards the ceiling. This time he carries on moving and crashes through the mouldy plaster. A few seconds later there's an angry shout and the sound of crashing.  
  
Blob: STOP LAUGHING AT ME! Raaaaugh!  
  
Toad: Oh man! I wasn't laughin', brother. Chill, yo. What's with these people trippin' on me, y'all?  
  
Blob: You're laughing at me! So annnngry! RAUGH!  
  
The ceiling cracks and Toad falls throught he hole, closely followed by Blob, who lands on top of Toad. Toad's eyes bulge outwards on impact and his tongue flies out, along with his breath and a large splurge of Toady goo spit stuff. It hits Wanda in the face and temporaliy blinds her. She throws her arms up in panic and bits of the boarding house begins to blow up and move around. Suddenly the door is kicked in and Mystique appears, her face livid.  
  
Mystique: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY HOUSE? No harm done, eh? Just material things. THAT I PAID FOR WITH MY OWN HARD EARNED CASH YOU IDIOTIC INSECTS! I'LL MAKE YOU ALL PAY! RAR! Anyone fancy a cup of tea? I'll put the kettle on. AND TIP THE BOILING WATER INTO YOUR EMPTY SKULLS, INGRATES! Or just use a mug like normal people.  
  
She wanders off into the kitchen while carnage ensues in the living room.  
  
* * *  
  
Next time on "X-Men: Devolution":  
  
Prof X: No, no. Oh nooooo! They can't have all run out! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!  
  
* * *  
  
Amara: Right, that's IT, just you and me, Drake, outside on the tennis courts!  
  
Iceman: Eep!  
  
* * *  
  
Angel statue: DESTROY!  
  
* * *  
  
Cyclops: X-Jet to base, X-Jet to base. We require immediate assistance.  
  
Prof X: Get out of my spare wheelchair, Scott. It's not a toy. 


	4. Chapter 4 I should really start naming t...

SCENE: DANGER ROOM  
  
The New Recruits are in the danger room training with Cyclops and Kitty. Razor sharp spinning discs are being fired at them from launchers set into the wall. Jamie is taking a turn at dodging the spinning discs of death.  
  
Jamie: I'm the youngest! Look! Look at me! I'm doing what the big kids do! I can handle it! I ro-  
  
Kitty: LIKE OH MY GOD!  
  
Cyclops: Aww man! Not another one.  
  
Jamie falls over backwards, a spinning disc of death embedded in his forehead. He lands on the floor, next to a pile of other Jamie's, all with spinning discs of death stuck into them. The real Jamie punches himself in the stomach and causes three more Jamie's to appear. They run at the spinning discs of death launcher and start to kick it. Two seconds later all three were lying on the floor, their cloney bodies lifeless.  
  
Amara: Yo! BOB-BAY!   
  
Iceman: Huh wha?  
  
Amara drops out of her flames and gestures to an unoccupied corner of the Danger Room. When Iceman finally makes his way over she leans in close to him and whispers.  
  
Amara: Where my grass at, Bobby?  
  
Iceman: I'm getting it. You'll have it by tommorow!  
  
Amara: That's what you said yesterday!  
  
Iceman: Next month at the latest!  
  
Amara: Right, that's IT, just you and me, Drake, outside on the tennis courts!  
  
Iceman: Eep!  
  
She gets her flame on and melts her way through the wall. Scott begins to shout at her... until he's cut off by a chunk of lava to the visor. Jubilee and Wolfsbane cry and run around in a circle as Scott shoots off a continuous and uncontrolled eye blast at the ceiling. Cannonball charges out of the way as a large chunk of Danger Room falls from above. Sunspot, however, is not as fast and ends up pinned to the floor. Meanwhile, in a sewer not that many miles away...  
  
Callisto: Spyke! TURN THAT AVRIL LAVIGNE SONG DOWN!  
  
Spyke: But!  
  
Callisto: No buts! The slightest sound is amplified and echoed down here. And I do not care if you find some special meaning in that song.  
  
Spyke: But I'm a sk8er boi!   
  
Callisto: Did you just say sk8er boi?  
  
Spyke: Yeah! And I rock on MTV!  
  
Callisto: You are a SKATER BOY and you rock on human waste and dirty pipes.   
  
Spyke: You think I rock?  
  
Callisto: No, I was just saying it to distract you.  
  
Spyke: Distract me from what?  
  
Torpid walks up behind him and gives him a hefty slap on the ass. Spyke's eyes immediately glaze over and he freezes.   
  
Callisto: ...That. You two! Take him out again and dump him. Further away this time, he keeps finding his way back.  
  
She points at Cybelle and Facade and then turns back to Torpid as they begin to drag Spyke's paralysed body away.  
  
Callisto: Hey girlfriend! Good job! Hi five! No, I didn't mean. CRA-  
  
Torpid: *little girl smile*  
  
As Callisto realises her mistake at hi 5-ing Torpid its too late, and she is paralysed too. Torpid shrugs and sits in a puddle.  
  
On the surface Amara and Bobby are having a rumble. She is leaning into Iceman, one arm melting the wall next to his ear. She shouts loudly at him, her flames crackling and bursting up with each word.  
  
Amara: Say it, Bobby! Say you'll get my stuff!  
  
Iceman: Ok, OK! I'll get it! By tommorow! I promise!  
  
Amara: What will you get me, Bobby? Tell me once more! Exactly!  
  
Iceman: I will get your illegal narcotics by tommorow!  
  
Amara drops out of flame mode and pulls a minature microphone out of her ear. She holds it close to her mouth and shouts into it.  
  
Amara: Fury? WE HAVE THE TURKEY IN THE BAG! REPEAT! WE HAVE THE TURKEY IN THE BAG!  
  
Fury: Yes, god, don't shout. Right here you know!  
  
And suddenly Agent Nick Fury is standing behind Iceman and Amara, a full contigent of soliders behind him. Every gun is aimed at the two mutants.  
  
Amara: Call off your bitches, Fury. I got the turkey.  
  
Fury: Stand down, men.  
  
The soliders immediately put their guns on the floor and sit down.  
  
Fury: I said stand down! Not sit down! Get up!  
  
The soliders stand up, leaving their guns on the floor.  
  
Fury: With the guns...  
  
They pick them up and point them at Amara and Iceman again. Fury sighs and shouts loudly.  
  
Fury: I SAID STAND DOWN!  
  
The soliders sit down on the floor again. Fury walks over to Iceman and drags him towards a large military helicopter. As he mutters under his breath Iceman is hauled inside and thrown into a cage. Fury pulls himself up and then reaches inside, before throwing a large silver briefcase to Amara.  
  
Fury: Your payment, as per our agreement.  
  
Amara: Score!  
  
Fury: And you lot get inside the helicopter. Get inside. Now. No, don't forget the guns!  
  
The inept soldiers eventually get in the helicopter and it takes off, the huge blades churning up a cloud of dust. Through the dust a pair of glowing red eyes can be seen, and a monotone voice calls out.  
  
Angel statue: DESTROY!  
  
Amara drops the suitcase and gets her flame on. She turns to face the statue, lava dripping from her hands.  
  
Amara: They're playing my song... Aiiiiiiiiiii!  
  
She runs forward, her feet melting the court and throws a volley of molten rock onto the statue. Meanwhile, in the Professor's office...  
  
Prof X: That's right, Danielle, reach out with your mind. Probe Scott.  
  
Cyclops: Oh that sounds dirty.  
  
Danielle: Aww man! Now I lost concerntration and... and... ah!  
  
Prof X: Danielle... no!  
  
His eyes glaze over and he finds himself sitting in his office, all alone. A pile of bills lie on either side of the desk, with one large important looking envelope lying in the middle. He opens it and then his face immediately pales. Even moreso than usual. The scene fades in around him and we hear a voice narrating the letter.  
  
Letter: Dear Charles,  
  
All your rich uncles are dead. As are all rich family members. And all their money has been stolen by Mexican bandits. Do you realise this means you have no way of paying for your little school?   
  
Love from the Lawyers.   
  
P.S You owe us some money for sending you this letter and sorting out lawyery type stuff.   
  
P.P.S If you don't pay up we'll break your legs. Ok, scratch that, you can't walk anyway. It'd be a waste. We'll... um... do something!  
  
Prof X: No, no. Oh nooooo! They can't have all run out! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!  
  
The letter drops from his hands and the scene melts away and he is back... sitting in his office. Dani is standing up and getting ready to leave.  
  
Danielle: Stupid school, I should have known this wasn't going to work out.  
  
Prof X: Fuck! Why did you do that? I almost had a heart attack. Jesus! That's one freaky power.  
  
Dani starts to cry and runs out of the room, her powers going haywire. As she runs through the Mansion and passes the other occupants, screams and shouts of terror are heard.  
  
Storm: NOT A SNOW PLOOOOOOOOOOOOUGH!  
  
Kitty: LIKE OH MY GOD!  
  
Cannonball: ...  
  
Wolverine: Woof! GROWL! *WHINE*  
  
Eventually she leaves and everything goes back to normal. Back in the Professor's study Scott is rapidly becoming bored. He gets into one of the Professor's extra wheelchairs and begins wheeling himself around the room making plane noises.  
  
Cyclops: X-Jet to base, X-Jet to base. We require immediate assistance.  
  
Prof X: Get out of my spare wheelchair, Scott. It's not a toy.   
  
Cyclops: But I'm boooooored!  
  
The Professor puts his hands on his temples and speaks slowly to Scott:  
  
Prof X: You are not bored, Scott.  
  
Cyclops: I'm not bored.  
  
Prof X: You want to make me a sandwich.  
  
Cyclops: I want to make you a sandwich.  
  
Cyclops gets up and goes out of the room. The Professor steeples his hands and begins to cackle.  
  
Prof X: Exceeeeeellent. Mwah ha ha. MWAH HA HA H- ahem.  
  
Next time on "X-Men: Devolution":  
  
I couldn't think of anything to put here so... um. Dances a bit There. That'll have to do :P. 


	5. 5 The Bayville Siryn

The Bayville Siryn  
  
SCENE: THE ROAD OUTSIDE AN ALLEYWAY.  
  
Four leather clad women jump out of a dirty brown jeep. They immediately run to the entrance of the alley, two on each side, and wait quietly.  
  
Jean: Kitty, run through the wall and scout ahead, I'll fly overhead. You two wait here till we need to mix it up.  
  
Kitty: Like... I'm on it!  
  
As Jean silently takes off and flies in the darkness above the alley, Kitty slips into the wall and makes her way down to the other end of the alley. The two figures by the alley entrance lean against the wall and whisper to each other.  
  
Amara: She so thinks she's the boss of me. She's not.  
  
Rogue: I could absorb her like *that!* Then we'd see who's the boss!  
  
Amara: At least I get to wear the outfit. That almost makes up for it.  
  
Rogue: Speak for yerself, I look like an' eighties reject.  
  
Amara: Well that's true. Man, what's taking so long?   
  
As if on cue Kitty appears out of the wall.  
  
Kitty: Get ready! They're, like, coming this way! Like, now!  
  
Rogue: Alright! Places, quick.  
  
Kitty phases through a dumpster and peeks out from under the lid, while Rogue and Amara crouch on the road. There's a sound of feet walking slowly down the litter strewn path and then tense in readiness. Suddenly behind them the lights on the jeep flash on and a loud horn honks out a tune: La Cucharacha.   
  
Boom Boom: LA CUCHARACHA! LA CUCHARACHA! A DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!  
  
Kitty screams in shock and falls through the dumpster and onto the group of men walking down the path. There's a shriek from above and Jean falls out of the air, landing in Kitty's recently vacated dumpser a few seconds later.   
  
Kitty: LIKE OH MY GOD!  
  
Boom Boom: BOOM BOOM! BOMBING IN! OH YEAH!  
  
Rogue: Christ...  
  
Boom Boom places a small bomb on the car door and flips down her black shades as it explodes off. She jumps out and poses under a street light, before running to Amara and high five-ing her.  
  
Boom Boom: Hey! It's my girl Amara!  
  
Amara: Hello Tabitha. Now's not a good time for us to be friends for no reason. You just ruined the mission.  
  
Boom Boom: Then it's time fo' a little bada bing, BADA BOOM!  
  
She lifts her hands up to reveal a load of shining bombs. With a shout she throws them at the men in the alley and leaps at Amara, pinning her to the ground and shielding her from the blast. Kitty phases through the ground as the alleyway detonates. The group of men are catapulted up in the blast and disapear into the air, never to be seen again. The dumpster begins to shake and then bursts, as Jean makes her way out. She stalks past Boom Boom and gets into the car, putting on her belt and crossing her arms while pouting. Amara and Rogue raise their eyebrows but get inside silently, while Boom Boom dances on the spot for a second before getting into the drivers seat.  
  
Amara: What about Kitty?  
  
Rogue: She'll turn up somewhere.  
  
Boom Boom: Let's go back and scare the toll-booth guy some more!  
  
The car screeches into gear and speeds off down the road, Boom Boom hammering out a tune on the horn. Amara reaches into her pocket and pulls out a flier, quickly throwing it towards the alleyway. It flutters over and lands on the carnage that used to be an alley. Up above it all on the edge of an apartment building a loud whining sound starts and quickly gets closer to the ground, nearby windows shattering with its descent. A woman lands on the ground and the whining stops. There's a gulping sound and a large burp, following by an empty Guiness bottle shattering against the wall. A hand reaches out and grabs the leaflet.  
  
Leaflet: Crime free since the Bayville Sirens destroyed this area!   
  
Woman: Thieving bastards! There's only room for one Siryn in Bayville!  
  
She screams loudly and takes off quickly, the windscreen of a car shattering as she disapears into the night. Meanwhile, Iceman is strapped to a chair in a top secret miliarty installation...  
  
Iceman: I'll never tell!  
  
Fury: Tell me or I'll melt you!  
  
Iceman: I'll tell, I'll tell!  
  
Fury: Pussy...  
  
Iceman: Don't call me a pussy! Or I'll freeze your poncy eye-path right off your face! What are you? A pirate?  
  
Fury: Quiet you! Get the blow torch!  
  
A squad of soliders run in carrying a blow torch and start assembling it on the ground. Once done they all kneel and start blowing on it. Fury walks over and kicks them out the way. He levels the big blow torch at Iceman and adjusts his eye-patch.  
  
Fury: Last chance, ice boy.  
  
Iceman: *Shriek!*  
  
Fury: Is that your final answer?  
  
Iceman: Oh, a pop culture reference, how droll.  
  
Fury: Welcome to puddlesville!  
  
Iceman: IT WAS PAUL! Scot's friend! That's all I know.  
  
Fury: Your cooperation has been most helpful.  
  
Iceman: Let me go!  
  
Fury: Fine. But don't even think about telling anyone what you've seen here.  
  
Iceman: I will-  
  
Fury: Do you want to get out?  
  
Iceman: -not. I will not. You cut me off, bitch.  
  
Fury: Quiet you!  
  
He walks away from the flame thrower and over to Iceman, where he reaches under his chair.  
  
Iceman: Hey, dude, despite my look and voice I don't go in for that man on man action stuff.  
  
Fury: Good for you.  
  
Fury flicks a switch and stands back as Iceman's chair takes off and blasts way through the ceiling. With a satisfied smile he dusts off his hands and walks towards the command centre, pulling an dictaphone out of his pocket as he goes.  
  
Fury: Note to self; Paul is involved, just as we suspected. Plan B is going into action as of now. Edit. Make that as of after lunch. Edit. Make that as of after lunch and after I've picked up my dry cleaning.  
  
Meanwhile, a few miles to the left and a few metres underground, Kitty is phasing fast through the ground.  
  
Kitty: LIKE OH MY GOD!  
  
She eventually phases out of the earth and lands in the sewers. With a shiver she begins walking towards a pool of light, hoping it's an open manhole cover.  
  
Kitty: I like totally hope I can get out of here soon. This place is like soo icksome. And I'm going to miss 90210 repeats! Like oh my god!  
  
She runs faster, splashing through (and ignoring) alligators and used condoms, till she comes to a stop. With a confused look on her face she stares up at the assumed manhole cover, only to see its a spotlight. Suddenly a load more spotlights pop on, illuminating the large sewer... thingy place. Kitty shields her eyes and cringes as multiple bass thuds of subwoofers turning on echo out, followed by a harsh sound of feedback.  
  
Spyke: Yo dudes! Wasssssssup?!?!  
  
Morlocks: Wassssup?!?!  
  
Kitty: Like oh my god, even I know that saying is so last year.  
  
Facade: DOWN IN FRONT!  
  
Kitty: Oh my god, that's like so totally rude.  
  
Scaleface: WE WANT AVRIL! WE WANT AVRIL!  
  
Spyke: Before I introduce the most hardcore sk8er punk goddess of them all I have a little announcement.  
  
Scaleface: AVRIL! AVRIL!  
  
Spyke: There's some bad moo-juice going around. So keep away from the moo-juice.   
  
Cybelle immediately screams and melts her carton of milk, while a man by the exit hastily shuts his stall and runs away shouting;  
  
Guy Spear: There's no Pow-R8 in the milk! Who says there was? I don't even know what Pow-R8 is! Aiiii...  
  
Spyke: And now... AVRIL LAVIGNE!  
  
Avril: I AM A SK8ER BOI... UH, HE WAS A SK8ER BOI, ROCKIN' ON MTB, UH, MTV!  
  
Kitty screams and dives for the safety of an alligator's jaws while Avril screeches out her 'funky harcore punk rock'. The alligator spits Kitty out and plunges under the murky surface while a hoarde of rats flee down the tunnels, squeaking in terror in a frantic bid to get away from the heinous voice. Suddenly the lights dim down and the subwoofers power down. Kitty squints up towards the stage and watches as an eye patched figure leaps acrobatically onto the stage and delivers a hard kick under Avril's jaw. The 'singer' flies off the stage and lands with a splash next to Kitty. Avril holds back tears and pulls a note out of her pocket. She hands it to Kitty with a tearful look in her eyes.  
  
Avril: Give that to Ray. Please. It's important.  
  
Kitty: Um. Ok? I'm gonna go... over there now.  
  
She runs towards a conveniently placed ladder and scrambles to the surface as Callisto restores order to the sewers. Once on the street she flags down a taxi to take her back to the institute. Inside the Professor's office a heated debate is going on between the strange woman from earlier and the Professor.  
  
Prof X: Listen, Siryn, I'm sure we can work this out without resorting to... legal action. To be frank your claim is a little... ridiculous.  
  
Siryn: What the hell? It's blatant copywright infringement! Siryn/Siren, the Bayville Siryn/the Bayville Sirens! It doesn't take a genius to work it out, Charles!  
  
Prof X: Since when did you start calling yourself the Bayville Siryn?  
  
Siryn: I don't! I'm just... drunk! And SHUT UP! THAT'S WHY!  
  
Siryn burps loudly and accidentally causes a sonic wave to shatter the Professor's wallscreen, you know, the one cleverly disguised as a picture? With a drunken sob she downs the last of her Guiness and smashes the can into her head. Immediately she cries out in pain, causing the Professor's coffee mug and Piggy bank (labeled: RICH UNCLE'S FUNDING: KEEP OUT, ESPECIALLY YOU SCOTT!) to crack and explode.  
  
Prof X: You are drunk and already feeling dizzy. You want to go to sleep. You want to go to sleep... and put your purse on the table, and write down your credit card details. Then you want to go to sleep. SCOTT! Come to my study, at once and take this drunken Irishwoman away. Will the Bayville Siren's please come to my office. Now.  
  
Rogue decides to hide in her room while Jean and Amara sigh and make their way to the Professor's office, wondering where Boom Boom and Kitty were. When inside the Professor steeples his hands and stares at them.  
  
Prof X: I see you are the only Siren's who are prepared to turn up and face the consequences of your actions.  
  
He gestures at the drunken, unconscious Siryn and shakes his head disaprovingly.  
  
Amara: No we aren't.   
  
Jean. We just wanted to see what a Bayville Siren is.  
  
Amara: They're cool whoever they are.  
  
Jean: Totally. Girl power!  
  
Amara: Hi-5, girlfriend!  
  
They hi-5 and then turn to face the Professor again, their eyes narrowing.  
  
Jean: So you see we're not.  
  
Prof X: I know you're lying, I can read minds!  
  
Jean: No you can't.  
  
Prof X: I can so!  
  
Amara: Prove it!  
  
Prof X: Fine!  
  
The Professor's hands go to his temples and he grunts with exertion while looking at Amara.  
  
Prof X: You're thinking about the money you got from S.H.I.E.L.D the other day.  
  
Amara: No I'm not...  
  
Prof X: Yes you are!  
  
Amara: Prove it!  
  
He steeples and unsteeples his fingers for a second and then puts his wheelchair into reverse. As he exits the room he sends a steely glare towards Jean and Amara.  
  
Prof X: I'll get you girls one day, and your little dog too!  
  
Wolfsbane scampers out from behind a random door and whimpers at Jean's feet.  
  
Wolfsbane: *whine*  
  
Next time on X-Men: Devolution:  
  
Uh. Use your imagination. Picture snow plows and Wolverine growing and stuff. Yeah. I'll try and write it faster than this one. 


End file.
